self portrait #12

self portrait #12



i reinvent the wheel
on my days off because
“an idle mind is useless”

but my mind tends to
insidiously torment and
self destruct in tandem

so i hide myself behind
this surreptitiously placed
cloak of pronouns and
strategically placed pretenses

i reinvent the wheel
on my days off because
using the first person really
forces reality onto my place

and the rest has already
been said before on
my days off


copy right JANEisnotplain 8/07

untitled 6/12/07

untitled 6/07


you are clad in the form you have chosen
and there is a delay of expectancy in your eyes,
the trepidation of a filly wearing a Sunday dress

but as trendy as you may appear,
you are the first one
not to be persuaded by your masquerade
i am the embarrassed second

what chimerism may occur with camoflauge?


copyright JANEisnotplain 6/12/07

on her response to my announcement

words

words




i praise words
until the sky opens
i plead with words
until lace appears
i prime words
with greasy meter
i preen words
under lines of cover
i paste words
onto absorbent paper
i present words
to men who work
i point words
at politicians
i push words
like dust across the floor
i pillage words
until they bleed
i peel words back
until they crack
i pinch words
until they squeal
i push words down
until there are none left
i press words under
until they cant breathe
i pack up my words
into notebooks no one reads
i promise my words
to no one



copyright JANEisnotplain 6/07

E ≠ i + y

E ≠ i + y



E represents to me
the sum of the
two I(s)/ eye(s)
we once had
and between them is Y
but Y has lost its meaning
a satellite, sometimes consonant
a question, an answer
lost now in the periphery
until even the E of ego
goes and leaves me
the only I.


copyright JANEisnotplain 5/07

i want

i want


i want to lick the sunshine from your arms
while drinking a glass of sun with
artificial sweetener swirls
inside of my mixing emotions

i want to smile the way you do
with tints of golden yellow daisy petals
that water glide on belief, love, hope, serenity
and stick to reflections of eye

i want to walk in dry sandals
when the earth rotates its tears
skipping over the details and heading straight
to hopscotch drawings of chalk hearts

but i falter with every other step
forgetting how to tie my shoelaces
tripping on sidewalks covered in thorns
each cut bleeding me one more step
closer to illumination?


copyright JANEisnotplain 4.07

on discussing rhonda byrne's "THE SECRET"

eloveye

eloveye

el ov
i take the L of
life
and i make it I

the L of
love
becomes I

am all

one




copyright JANEisnotplain 3.07

order by control

order by control



passion in a breath
life in a moment
seeking a truth
living a lie

staying within the lines

it is safer to accept
than to achieve
it is harder not
to believe in god

stay in line, please

copyright JANEisnotplain 2.07

untitled 12.06

untitled 12.06


impulses. (act?)
control. (vanquished?)
slow. (fast enough?)
fast. (slow enough?)
trust. (who?)
mine. (yours?)
yours. (mine?)
rules. (broken?)
fingers. (entwined?)
judgment. (impaired?)
breathe. (more deeply?)
here. (there?)
there. (here?)
move. (closer?)
lips. (touch?)
sanity. (lost?)
dreams. (reality?)
hips. (collide?)
whisper. (i love?)



copyright JANEisnotplain 12.06


for r? for g? for d?

FREYMAN'S INTEGRAL PATHWAY--revised

freyman’s integral pathway (p,q) = e-1/4 (p+q2)S[(q+ip)/ 2]/ n!

it is the incoherent super-position
of different integral faiths that
destructively interferes with the
language of quantum mechanics

often one encounters integrals
where the exponent is not purely quadratic
from the outset but rather contains
both quadratic and linear pieces

to prove this identity
eliminate the linear term
the constant factor scales a-z
yet quantum mechanics remains
fully present and flexible

[we] insert position and momentum
respectively making use of
the clear rationale behind
the resolution of vector identity

quantum particles have more freedom
than their classic counterparts

all the information about any
autonomous quantum particles
is contained within the matrix
of elements of its time evolution operator

the time evolution operator
describes this dynamic evolution
under the influence of
Hamiltonian time

H = T + V or H = E + R

where R is a positive definite
real symmetric n-dimensional matrix
and V is a real vector diagonalized by
orthogonal transformation into
E, a mono-kinetic Euclidean

as the matrix elements express
amplitude for a particle to
propagate between points
it becomes the propagator
of harmonic oscillation

in the matrix of elements
the discrete set becomes dense
over time and space becomes
a continuous curve

this smooth variation of paths
contributes significantly toward
the motivation and the application
of a limit [less] continuum

proving that u and i may be
independent complex numbers that
need not be related by the
simple conjugation of coherent states and paths integral

only by love.



copyright JANEisnotplain 1.07

FREYMAN'S INTEGRAL PATHWAY

freyman’s integral pathway (p,q) = e-1/4 (p+q2)S[(q+ip)/ 2]/ n!


quantum particles have more freedom
than their classic counterparts and

all the information about any
autonomous quantum particles
is contained within the
matrix of elements of its
time evolution operator

the time evolution operator
describes this dynamic evolution
under the influence of
Hamiltonian time

H = T + V or H = E + R

where R is a positive definite
real symmetric n-dimensional
matrix and V is a real vector
diagonalized by orthogonal transformation
into E mono-kinetic Euclidean

as the matrix elements express
amplitude for a particle to
propagate between points
it becomes the propagator
of harmonic oscillation

often one encounters integrals
where the exponent is not purely quadratic
from the outset but rather contains
both quadratic and linear pieces

to prove this identity
eliminate the linear term
the constant factor scales a-z
yet quantum mechanics remains
fully present

it is the incoherent super-position
of different integral faiths that
destructively interferes with the
language of quantum mechanics

[we] insert position and momentum
respectively making use of
the clear rationale behind
the resolution of vector identity

in the matrix of elements
the discrete set becomes dense
over time and space becomes
a continuous curve

this smooth variation of paths
contributes significantly toward
the motivation and the application
of a continuum limit [less]

proving that u and I may be
independent complex numbers
that need not be related by the
simple conjugation of
coherent states and
paths integral

only by love.



copyright JANEisnotplain 1.07

self portrait

I AM

a brush stroke of expectation
a convenient mirror cracked by patience
twisted up in bunches of flowers that
only make me weaker as i try to fill space


I AM

a rubbery poem and the figure to go with it
a shadow you make love to
in order to compose yourself
brick by riddle by brick

I AM

the kind of fire you don’t have to kindle
the flames reflect on waves
the oxygen exists by misgivings
so that every breath i breathe is forgiving

I AM

losing my grip on the graphite that
certifies the sketches in my head
a disaster of nerves battling
starlight and sunrise intentions

I AM

a model of your history
all the things you cant see
you cant remember and i can’t take anymore
just fall in scribbles collapsed on the floor

I AM

your fault

I LIKE THE WAY We...

crowds

the

faces

in be faces tw faces ee face [i]n

in

the moments where beauty is sketched on napkins
be

patience and balance are sewn in like stitches

tw

poise and posture are stapled straight to spine

ee

coyness and wit are showered like rose notes

n
muscles are tensed and breathe is held close

the
faces

in faces be faces tw face ee [i]n

the spasms of edited lines, written motives, and timed dialogue

these faces

in faces be faces tw faces ee face [i]n


are what carry

youiandus

copyright JANEisnotplain 12.06

dear r project

dear r,


i want you
(to narrate)
[my waking]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my breaths]


i want you
(to narrate)
[my coffee]


i want you
(to narrate)
[my mornings]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my breakfast]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my laughs]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my shower]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my dressing]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my song]

i want you
(to narrate)
[my dreams]

i want you to-

i choose you to-
i choose you-

too.


copyright JANEisnotplain 11.06

thisyourour-

dear r,



this-
arrangement

this-
formation

this-
commitment

your –
agreement

your-
employment

your-
subjugation

his-
foundation

his-
governance

his-
involvement

our-
acquaintence

our-
attraction

our-
passion


this-
position

this-
appointment

this-


this really is too crowded.

love,

JANEisnotplain 3.04

on this polyamorous triangle i found myself in.

dear r,

11.18.06



dear r,


you found me

the part of me
that i know little about
that can speak to you

the part of me
that you want
that seems to know who i am

the part of me
that will challenge who i was
that who that i will become

the part of me
that i can be proud of
that i want to be yours

that part of me
that
wants
you


love,

JANEisnotplain 11.06

self portrait # 8: asymptote



stack of books
six editions thick
resting on each shoulder blade
weight the pressure

grey damp road
thick white centered line
marking the margins of expectations
balance attributes accordingly charged

baking light
fire from red dust everywhere
causes eyes to cast inward
the heat of fever encapsulates

weak failing medium
un-utilized calculator
living five feet from the ground
drawn in lines of asyptotes


copyright JANEisnotplain 18.11.06

self portrait # 7: and


and she’s beautiful
and she’s unsettling
and she writes in big words
and she dots i’s and crosses t’s
and she doesn’t want to be touched by just anyone
and she doesn’t want to be seen

and she wants
to be adored
to be idolized
to be felt
to be heard
to be loved intimately

andandandand
and she is writing
and she is living
and she is dying
and she is
and

she
is

and that

is

all









copyright JANEisnotplain 18.11.06

confession

confession


to love a woman who is
a woman in every sense but
who acts like a man to
the woman who wants to
love the woman in her in every sense
but, i am not a man and
i know this and she knows this

she may play the part of
the shy deviant boy but
i am every hopelessly helpless boy
that i have ever dated, hat in hands
reciting sonnets under balconies,
selling proposals without diamonds
i know this and she knows this

the truth is that,
at the end of the day i am
too complicated, too introverted,
too frustrated, too scared
she is so fearless, so sweet,
so kind, so brilliant
to bring out the lover
she knows is inside me
i know is inside of her


copyright JANEisnotplain 10.20.06

NIGHTMARE

nightmare

i am running through my
nightmares wearing flip flops
and all i can hear is
breathe, flap, breathe, flap
flap, breathe, breathe, flap
across a cold linoleum floor
stacked with the smell of papers
of books, newspapers, notebooks
slouched in the flickering fluorescent lights
like next year’s junk addicts
flap flap flap flap
breathe!
and if i stop i hear the
buzzing of my PC
sitting and looking at me for answers
just the way i look at myself
just after brushing my teeth
in the morning or in the
evening after listening to
the radio/television propaganda
the semicolon weight of the words
awake!
flap, breathe, flap, breathe

copyright JANEisnotplain 10.06